Dream without sleeping

I am getting so excited I can't sleep. I know, I need to sleep. I'll never have a full night's sleep again... never sleep in on a school day OR a weekend, for that matter.. or at least it will be much more rare. But I am consumed with a constant barrage of thoughts and dreams and "what will it be like" thoughts about this new little baby. At night, it's all about "what will I do to calm the baby down?" " I hope I can feed the baby and it doesn't have colic" and of course "won't the baby be so cute in the little sling going to Jbird's soccer games" and "I can't wait to use the Bob and jog all around San Elijo.. maybe I'll join the stroller club.."

But my thoughts during the day are always in relationship to my thoughts about Jadyn. Even before being pregnant, I would look at the clock while she was at school and wonder what she was doing.. or when she's not with us, I wonder what is keeping her attention. Is she happy? Is she causing trouble? Is she laughing? Is she making us proud? Is she making up stories or is she being a good friend? Is she eating the healthy things in her lunchbox or did she go straight for the "froot by the foot" like I would have and throw away the healthy stuff to make me think she ate it?

I never have second guessed my love for Jadyn. I remember the day I met her, how she grabbed my hand and waddled her little diaper butt up the big hills at the San Diego Zoo...and changing her diaper for the first time (on our first "family" date) in the bathroom at Fillipes downtown. She has always been so good natured and we have always had a strong bond. I'm her "Bibif" and she's my "Jbird". I have, by default been her mom in this family, and I know she counts on me and knows I will be there for all of the things that moms are there for... but I also know the biological bond that she has with the woman who gave birth to her. I don't know how to explain it, because of course, she is too young to put it into words and I would never want her to even believe for one second that she would need to define any of her feelings... she has never expected anything but what was given from either one of us, the beauty of innocence, but also the unquestioning love for a mother.

I know there are things I will never understand, but I am so excited and anxious to experience the whole thing from the beginning. I can only anticipate the feelings being amplified knowing that this little being inside of me has depended on only me for the past 9+ months. How will I ever share him/her? I hope I am good at this, I pray that I can keep calm, I wish I would have read more books to the baby in the womb, or listened to more classical music instead of Keith Urban or whatever Jadyn is into in the car, I wish I would have done more squats... My head is spinning, so I can't sleep. already.